.... My Battle with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.........

In some upcoming posts, I am going to address issues on Mental Health.  For this post, I wish to speak out about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Suicide. 

A friend of mine, Craig Maxey, told me of an American Hero, who died on October 12, 2010.  His name was Paul Anderson Marsden and he was a Veteran of the Iraq War.  Now, I do not profess to have any knowledge of his situation and what led him to take his life, but I do know this – our Nation – no our Society - does not do enough to help those who give so much to others or to those with mental stress in general.

Paul was a Sergeant in the United States Army Reserves.  He deserved a better life; he deserved to live – period!  Our Military and our society MUST do more to assist people who are struggling with survival.  Again, I did not have the honor to know Paul, so unfortunately I do not know his story – but I’d like to help turn the tide on Mental Health issues and begin speaking out.  So, in honor of Paul and others like him, I want to say this…..I am sorry I was not there to help you……I am sorry society let you down……I am really sorry our society “labels” people who fight various demons and ostracizes them, making them afraid and embarrassed to reach out.  How do I know how it feels?  I have been there.  I hope Paul’s Family does not mind me sharing my experience in his honor……

In the Spring of 2007, While working as a Neosho Police Officer, I attempted to stop a car for a very minor traffic violation.  The car was north bound on Lime Kiln Road, on the far North edge of the Neosho City Limits.  The car had no front license plate.  After I turned on my emergency lights, the driver chose to run.  After a mile or so at high speed, the young female driver lost control.  She slammed off the road and into a huge Oak Tree.  Time stood still, as I watched her car roll like a vehicle out of the Dukes of Hazard.  It flipped upside down and careened into a marshy area of water, which was several feet deep.  I ran to the edge of the road and watched as two females came up from underneath the car.  I ordered them to the side of the water.  Initially, they both complied, but within a few seconds, the driver began to yell at me that she had a little boy trapped in the back seat of the car.  I thought she was trying to trick me in order to get away or maybe she was trying to distract me, so she could pull a weapon out and harm me.  I wasted thirty or forty five seconds trying to get a handle on what was really happening.

I began to realize the girl was serious and there really was someone in the car.  I entered the water and tried to free the young man, but I was unable to.  I could feel his arm, but the water was so muddy and the car was under water.  Having children of my own, I was panicked.  Rescue workers are not supposed to panic, but I was…I feared losing this young man over someone not having a license plate!!! 

After my worthless rescue attempt, Neosho Fire Chief Greg Hickman arrived and assisted me, by making a dive into the back seat of the submerged car and cutting the seat belt, which held the lad in.  I helped Chief Hickman get the lifeless body from the wreckage.  We carried him up the hillside and began CPR.  We called for a rescue helicopter and the boy was flown to a Joplin Hospital.  He survived.

I struggled with my actions on this call.  First, should I have been chasing this car in the first place?  No, I did not make this girl run.  She feared getting a ticket because she did not have a driver’s license!  But, I had only seconds to assess what was going on and at the time I was searching for the suspect in a stabbing.  So, I did not know why the driver was really fleeing.  Secondly, I hesitated in my rescue effort of the boy, because I thought the driver was lying to me and pulling a clever ruse.  For months, there was not a night I went to bed where I did not see this young boys face, as he was pulled from the car, lifeless, not breathing, with blue skin.  I followed proper police procedure and used good officer safety skills to protect myself - I know I acted professionally, but nothing is worth losing a child over!

Then, the final straw……..

A relative short time later, an old neighbor of mine committed suicide and in the suicide she inadvertently took her son with her.  He was an innocent victim as she filled her garage with carbon monoxide gas from her car.  He was asleep in another part of the home and the gas unintentionally spread to claim his life, as well as hers.  It was a tragedy.  This young man had played in my back yard.  Knew my wife and kids.  He had just ate dinner beside me and my wife at a local fast food restaurant – only hours earlier.  I was literally one of the last people to see him alive.  I found his body in the home, as I checked the crime scene.  I was the first emergency responder there.

Then it hit me, the huge flood of emotion.  The young neighbor of mine was preparing to go to Alaska with his Uncle in only a few weeks.  He had the rest of his life ahead of him.  But, not now.  Not now.

As the weeks past, from both of these calls, I began to drink alcohol.  I mean “drink” alcohol.  I like an occasional beer or some wine, but during this dark period of my life, I was stupid.  I would come home from work, sit down with a 12 pack – 18 pack, bottle of wine, whatever and drink.  I would think about the things I could have done differently to change both of these situations.  I know now, there is nothing I could have done.  I blamed God and questioned my faith.  How could a loving “good” God allow either of these events to take place???  There is no answer to that question and I have learned to not ask why, when it comes to the Lord’s Plan.

I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I nearly lost my marriage, became isolated from my kids, and was not the cop I normally was.  I was crazy.  I could not function.   If you have not been there, there is no way to really describe it.  While I did not seriously think of suicide, there were several nights I wondered if anyone would care if I was gone or if the World would actually be better off without me.  Crazy, huh?

Well, here is the deal – just like our Soldiers – people expect Cops to be super human.  We are not.  We are people.  We laugh, we cry, we make mistakes, we hurt, we wonder why????  But, due to the stigma of being “weak”, I was afraid to ask for help.  Luckily, some important people, namely my Wife, intervened in my life and stopped my downward spiral.

I encourage all of you out there to reach out and help someone who you think is struggling.  Be a friend and listen for signs of problems.  Help fight the stigma attached to those who are mentally unstable.  We must encourage people to seek help from professionals and not penalize them when they do!!!!!  Some police departments will never allow an officer back on the road if they ask for help.  Come on!  I know there will be those people who can not be placed back into crime fighting, but this is not true for all officers.  There are many people who could use a shoulder to lean on for a short period of their life, but this does not mean they are not capable of recovering and being better for it!

Back to Paul, I appreciate his service and what he did for our Country, but I am sorry he was let down by myself and the “system” around him.  I don’t want to see any more people end up like Paul, so let’s join forces to make sure they don’t!